Midnight Musings
by Me
Summary: Young Stephanie ponders relationships after losing her mom and at various times later, with D.J., Michelle, etc. to help her through. Book universe so rkoradio's Samantha here with permission


A/N: In Fuller House we learn Stephanie has trouble with keeping relationships because she's afraid of losing them, as a result of losing her mom when she is five. Of course she says 4 but she's either blocking it out or just guessing. (Psychologically it would make sense if she says 4 to avoid thinking of how sad it was when she was 5. Or, maybe – like some episodes – in the "real Tanner universe" she did say 5 and it's one of those things where the TV pen pal, so to speak, gets it wrong but in Universe of course it's 5.)

Stephanie wouldn't take quite as long to start coming out of her room in the Book Universe because of that fourth bedroom office, meaning D.J. and she had been rooming together for months before Pam died. She'd still need help though, and this is another reason why D.J. learns to be proactive right away, along with showing Steph still needs encouragement sometimes.

Scenes are marked by dates, with parentheses showing when in their universe things happened, including rkoradio's Sam series, especially part 1, Demons and Angels. (If the name has changed, which it does sometimes, just look for the title and click on the username for the others.)

Midnight Musings

 **May, 1987, soon after Pam's death**

Stephanie Tanner, five, tossed and turned as she struggled to get to sleep. She was grateful to see her 10-year-old sister, D.J., meander tiredly into their bedroom. Their room was one of four on that floor, along with their baby sister Michelle, their sportscaster dad's office, and their dad's bedroom.

That was it. Their dad's. As in, his and not their mom and dad's. Stephanie's face fell as the thought came back to her. She couldn't get over that even after the funeral, when Pam Tanner's body had gone into the ground because she didn't need it anymore.

Who cared if she didn't; they did, and now! The real Pam Tanner might be somewhere where nobody could reach her and she couldn't come back, Stephanie mused, but she needed her.

"At least D.J. is here, Mr. Bear," she muttered.

"Sorry, Steph, what was that?" D.J. asked wearily as she maintained a half laying, half sitting position in her bed.

"I'm glad you're here, D.J., I really don't want to leave." Mr. Bear and Stephanie talked all the time, yet she was having trouble putting this into words.

D.J. walked over to Stephanie's bed and tried to help her. "Grandma will be up here in a little bit," she said as she walked. Sitting on the bed, she added, "I didn't want to leave Dad's side tonight, just like a couple other times." Stephanie sat up and leaned against her older sister. "I guess Mister Bear is the one you rely on."

"He can't die. Joey says so. Even if I got scarlet fever he'd become real." She suddenly had a thought as she pondered The Velveteen Rabbit. "Can bears in the woods wear trenchcoats?" her stuffed bear had one like a detective would wear.

"I don't know. Boy, Mom would always have the perfect answer to help you understand or just to make us all laugh and make life fun," D.J. mused.

"Well, do they?"

D.J. didn't quite realize how Stephanie looked up to her yet, but having been in the same bedroom with her for months before their mom died – ever since just before Michelle was born - she had at least gotten used to living with her and dealing with her odd questions at times; and her snoring.

"I guess, well..." D.J. closed her eyes at first. "I'm drawing a blank. Mom never drew a blank. She always knew just want to say."

Danny walked into the bedroom and sat on the other side of Stephanie. Then, he sat Stephanie on his lap and put an arm around a D.J.. "Sorry, I'm still getting used to how to do this."

"You're doing fine, Dad," D.J. assured him. She sniffled.

"You are too, Deej," Stephanie promised her.

"Thanks. I don't feel like it. But, I guess if you say so," D.J. uttered with little certainty.

"We're all dealing with this. Your Grandma Tanner will be up in a few minutes and you and she can talk if you need. Just remember that it's going to be hard for all of us, you don't have to be perfect. We just have to be there for each other."

"Thanks, Dad," D.J. said with a great deal of relief.

 **August, 1987 - Book version of guys moving in**

"You know, Mr. Bear," D.J. heard Stephanie saying as she entered their bedroom, "I can't believe D.J. didn't think to ask what would happen to her pillow person if he became real like in The Velveteen Rabbit. That's the first thing Mom would have said. I thought of it after a few months, Mr Bear."

"Hey, Steph. You still haven't gotten to sleep?"

":No. I will now that you're here," she replied. In truth, she had been having an easier time the last few weeks, but she liked to rely on D.J..

"Well, I guess now that Grandma moved out I am the one who'll be getting you warm milk if need be," the older sister acknowledged.

"You do more than that, Deej. You're everything to me."

"Then why did you try to get into Grandma's travel bag?"

"Because, you tried to change rooms with Michelle," Stephanie explained matter-of-factly.

D.J. went from standing near Stephanie to sitting on her bed. "I'm sorry, Steph. The truth is, having Uncle Jesse in the attic and Joey downstairs, I'm still the next oldest on this floor. And, that responsibility kind of scares me."

"Why? Are you afraid Daddy might die, too? Would you be the one in charge?"

"Well..." D.J. decided it was best not to make things really complex with the Kindergartner. "Okay, maybe I'm a little scared of Dad dying. But I'm sure it won't happen." She invited Stephanie to get up and sit beside her, and put her arm around the girl.

"Then why are you afraid?"

"Because thoughts like that come to people at tiems like this. Just like I've learned listening to you the past few months and trying to comfort you. And, you just learn to put that aside and realize the chances are really slim, and we have to just make it through and enjoy everything now, like Dad and the others say." She began to reminisce about their mom.

Stephanie did, too. "Mr, Bear thinks you do a great job. He remembers Mommy helping us learn to get along."

"Tell Mr. Bear thanks. You know if it weren't for that back when Michelle was born, I'd have been so focused on myself. I hope I'd have been as big of a help as I have been the last few months as we've talked. Because, it's strange. Having you here has helped me not to think about all my worries. Who was it who told us when you focus on others it helps you to stop worrying about yourself?"

"It was someone from church after the funeral," Stephanie said.

D.J. chuckled. "I was being rhetorical. Anyway I shouldn't run from this. I've heard quite a bit of what you and Mr. Bear have talked about the last three months. You needed help seeing that others aren't going to disappear from you. As well as understanding that me hearing that isn't the same as eavesdropping on a private conversation," D.J. quipped.

"Mr. Bear says he still thinks it's rude."

"Well... let's leave that go for now. Anyway, I got you to come out and have fun with us from the start because of it, and it's helping you, right?"

"I guess. It'll never be the same, though," Stephanie said dejectedly.

"I guess not. But, we still have a good time giving away smiles, right?" D.J. asked with a smile.

"You said it, Deej," Stephanie said as they hugged.

 **June, 1991, just after D.J. and Michelle exchange rooms**

Stephanie stood in the doorway of their room, with her bed where D.J. had slept. She'd gone to the bathroom and tried to come back in to make it feel normal. She'd gone back out and returned holding the baton from the previous day's ceremony. Nothing felt right to the nine year old.

With Michelle now sleeping soundly, she went into their older sisters room and jostled her awake.

"Huh?" D.J. looked at her clock. "Steph, it's after midnight."

"I know. I just got done explaining to Michelle there's no fancy sound or other stuff that happens whenever it becomes a new day." She ignored the "what goes around, comes around" comment as she sat. "She finally got to sleep again once we saw it was true. "

"Well, I'm glad your first time in the captain's seat was an easy one," D.J. muttered. Since she was proactive instead of just reacting, D.J. had been dubbed team captain - lower than the coach but still having extra duties and leadership. The passing of the baton included giving Stephanie some of that when it came to being the older sister in that room – a much smoother process than might have been.

"It just feels so strange. I mean, I get that that ceremony was more for Michelle, but I thought I'd feel something special' you know what I mean?"

"Well, how did you explain to her about the days, then? "

Stephanie snickered. "Oh yeah. What was that word you told me - ironic?" D.J. nodded and said it was a perfect usage of the concept. "I guess it still feels weird to be a leader. Although, I have helped before."

"Sure you have, Steph. And, look at how Michelle listens and trusts you," D.J. said.

"Yeah. I guess the first step to being a leader is making a commitment, huh?" Stephanie supposed with a fair amount of hesitation.

D.J. didn't catch it. "Sure. When I saw Kimmy bringing a bag of coal into the house the Christians after Mom died, I just naturally said 'no,' I didn't want her teasing you like that, not with how much you prided yourself on good behavior and how it might make you feel with us missing Mom. I wouldn't have seen if I wasn't in a position to see. I've helped you guys get along well because of it," D.J. added. "So, chances to lead will come."

"In the meantime, I just answer weird questions?" Stephanie asked

"Yep. Michelle is a really good kid, she behaves well, I stepped in when Dad struggled before it could get bad, and we became a team for that. I'm not saying when it'll happen for you. But, it will," D.J. promised.

"Thanks." They hugged, and she went back to bed, a little uncertain but still feeling better about the situation than she had.

 **September, 1992 - part of Sam Series 1**

The word echoed in the mind of Stephanie Tanner as she lay awake - commitment.

"What was that, Steph?"

Stephanie hadn't realized that she'd been so focused the word "commitment" had been verbalized, albeit not loudly enough for Michelle to hear what it was. "Sorry, Michelle. Were you awake, too?" She had been. "I was just thinking about Sam."

"I'm glad you can help her. You're a genius," Michelle encouraged her, just like she had that first day of Kindergarten and often later when she kept sending kids to Stephanie after Steph had helped her.

"I guess. I just wonder, I mean, without her, I'd do my part to help since you started sending all random kids to me last year after I helped your first day of Kindergarten, and the school saw I did a good job and eventually started the Principal's Assistant thing," she rambled, the stream of consciousness resembling how her mind was working at the time.

"Sam gets sent to you a lot," Michelle interjected.

Stephanie agreed. "And, that's the difference. Otherwise I'd help a bunch of kids out like the Lone Ranger, but not have to commit to any one person. I could say my work was done, and move on come sixth grade. I liked that idea," Stephanie acknowledged.

"Why can't she learn to behave?"

Stephanie blinked. They were talking along different paths. She supposed she had better be the older sister and answer her sister's question so she could get to her own.

"Her parents don't pay any attention to her." She let out a whoosh and then began mumbling. "'Parent' - and I thought 'commitment' was a big word."

"What do you mean?"

Stephanie pondered that at least Michelle was listening to her now. "Well, in the few weeks I've known Sam, we've gotten her a checkup with Dr. Landress – well, one of his associates - learned her parents are filthy rich and that they basically ignore her and just let us do whatever to help her, and..." She recognized that Michelle wasn't quite grasping what she said. "Anyway, I feel like I need to make a commitment to her. It's like what Aunt Becky said about having this maternal instinct that makes us girls special. "

"Do I have one of those things?"

"You sure do. Some use it more than others, of course, but you do and you use it in getting her help. Just like Dad and Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky and Joey are part of a team we're building to help her, but they're sort of helping me to help her more." She suddenly had a thought. "So, since I have that instinct, that's why it doesn't feel as hard to commit to helping her."

"Are you talking in your sleep again?" Michelle wanted to know. Stephanie ws talking way over her head now; maybe she hadn't been awake, Michelle considered.

"No… I just need to run something by D.J.."

She got up and walked over to D.J.'s room.

"Hey, Deej," Steph began as she jostled D.J. awake.

"Steph, do you know what time it is?"

"No, but it should be there on your clock. Listen, Deej, I was just thinking, you know, about Sam? I think I figured out why I don't feel as awkward, because of what Aunt Becky called that maternal instinct. But, something else feels weird – it's like I'm afraid of losing that chance to help her," Stephanie revealed to her.

Danny had heard Stephanie talking, but she hadn't heard him when he saw her in the hall. Having followed her into D.J.'s room, he now spoke. "Well, Steph, they said it doesn't appear yet to be a bad enough case where the police would need to be involved; the daycare said the parents weren't around much but they seemed to take good care of her. I think it's just one of those things like Uncle Jesse says, you're in the right place to do something since she's in our school district."

"I know, but… I don't know what it is. I mean, I knew going in this would be a tougher case than when Kimmy's younger brother was trying to get the whole school mad at his parents because they'd taught him creamed spinach was ice cream, and then he finally learned what real ice cream was," Stephanie considered aloud.

"And, you did a fabulous job of bringing that situation under control," Danny assured her. "I think he might even kind of like you a little." Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Okay, sorry, I know, not the most pleasant of thoughts, him having a crush on you."

"I'd almost rather have Rusty – note the 'almost;' at least Jimmy wouldn't pull pranks," she hastened to add, holding up a finger.

"Hey, who called the meeting?" Jesse asked as he came up from getting some fried chicken.

"Steph's a bit anxious about the situation with Sam," Danny explained.

"I know it's a big commitment – and, I know I have your help, so I shouldn't be afraid of messing this up or… whatever it is," Stephanie related.

Jesse understood. "Steph, when I moved in here, I knew it was a big commitment, too. I don't know if you remember, but I locked the door to the attic for a while the following spring – might hve moved out totally if it wasn't for the privacy. I grew to love it, though. Sure, it'll be more work for you; and, you're probably right to be thinking ahead already to when you get out of elementary school. But, the point is that because of you, Stephanie Tanner, that kid has a chance."

D.J. looked oddly at them. "Do you guys realize you're all talking in my room? While I'm trying to sleep?'

"We won't be too long,' Jesse said as he sat on D.J.'s counch and invited Stephanie to sit by him. She did, with Danny chuckling a little at the situation and who else was coming in as they talked.

Joey had overheard. "Hey, I was just coming to get something from your dad's office," Joey said as he stepped in and D.J. pulled the covers over her head in annoyance. "You know, that was really great how you found your old dance instructor to babysit Sam a while back. You're really good at this."

"I know I'm good at it – because I have you guys. That's not the problem. What if they decide they don't want us to help anymore?" Stephanie managed to say after sputtering bit.

"Trust me, Becky said as she stepped in, "I've seen this type, they will keep using you." She turned to Danny. "I need to warm bottles for Nicky and Alex…"

"And I need to go sleep with Michelle," D.J. said as she threw off her covers and stomped out of the room, over to Stephanie and Michelle's room while Becky and Danny talked.

Stephanie recalled some of the events of the last few days. "Sam's coming to me for hugs now, too, a bit, not just getting sent to me with behavior issues. She seems so lonely. When Mom died, I wanted to stay in my room for a few days till D.J. got me to start coming down more and hanging with someone besides Mr. bear."

"Don't give us that woodchuck impression," Jesse said as he stared at Joey.

"Steph, I know how you feel." Danny sat on the other side of Stephanie. "It took me months before I could even feel right talking toa woman after your mom died. "We don't know what's going to happen, and it's a lot harder at your age since you don't have the life experiences we do. But, the way things are looking, they really appreciate how we're helping Sam – even of that appreciation is only just being glad they can pass things off to us and not be bothered. They haven't really said it – or much of anything - but I'm sure they do."

Becky understood what Danny was saying. The only contact they had had with them was little scribbled notes saying whatever they were doing was okay. However, she sensed that the greater need for for Stephanie to know it was appreciated. "Your dad's right; I'm sure that deep down, there is some instinct there that' – at least on one of their parts – does want their child to be cared foreven if they don't really pay attention to who's doing it. Unless there was a huge problem, it looks like this will be your job from now on – and, maybe even if there was a huge problem."

"But, there won't be. We'll get through this just like we always do," Joey assured her.

"Thanks, guys." They hugged once Stephanie and the others stood. "I guess you're right. It has been rough with Mom dying when I was so little. Maybe that is where I get worried."

"It shows something else, too,' becky ascertained. She stroked Stephanie's hair as she explained. "it shows you care about her. You do want to make sure she's okay; so you put other worries, other problems aside. Just like a good parent should."

Stephanie nodded. "Thanks Aunt Becky. Yeah; you know it's funny. That same word came to me just before I came in here – 'parent.' It's such a crazy step."

"You'll make a great oen someday,' Jesse said confidently.

 **July, 1995, months after Sam Series 3**

They hadn't adopted Sam – now called Samantha – but it felt like it, in a way, with Samantha always sleeping at their house or that of a friend, instead of that big, lonely mansion, for months now.

Stephanie looked over and smiled as Samantha, in a rollaway bed next to Michelle's, and Michelle slept peacefully.

She had to laugh to herself. Her memories of her mom had started to ebb as she got older and the time she'd known her became more distant. However, as she'd been told, part of Pam tanner would always be with her. She could so imagine her mother saying how proud she was.

She'd laid there considering as much of her life with Pam as she could to keep her alive, when suddenly she noticed Samantha coming over to her. "Hey, Samantha," Stephanie whispered as she sat up and snuggled Samantha in her lap. "Did you a bad dream, or did you just need to cuddle, or…" She chuckled.

"It's fun just to hear you talk," Samantha said.

Samantha had become an uberMichelle with how blunt she was, but Stephanie realized that – underneath that comment – there was a real sense of loving the attention that Stephanie and the others showered upon her, something she'd missed so much till the Tanners had come into her life.

"I do ramble like our dad, huh?"

"Sometimes you guys talk about when your mom died. Michelle says it's great you can still talk about her. Her death made everyone real sad."

Stephanie agreed. Indeed, while she wouldn't say it, Michelle had tried to come to grips with a meltdown Samantha had had early that year by comparing it to how they might have felt with Pam died, to see if that might be comparable. It wasn't really close, but at least it was something.

Stephanie, being older, could grasp more of what Samantha felt, at least. "It was a difficult time. We all had this empty feeling; if it wasn't for the rest of the family it might hve been hard for me, because I might have been afraid of feeling that again. I guess you've had the same kind of empty feeling, huh?" Stephanie put an arm around her and said, "I hope we're doing a good job of filling those holes. I want everything for you to be so wonderful."

"You do, Stephanie." Samantha heaved a contented sigh as she rested in Stephanie's embrace.

Stephanie smiled. She pondered that perhaps – wile she had recovered well from Pam's death – not only had D.J.'s presence beena big help, but Samantha had been, too.

After all, she'd often heard that the best way to stop looking at your own problems was often to focus on helping someone else, and making their lives better.

She thought back to that time, just after the funeral, when they'd been told that focusing on others would help. She hadn't really understood it then; she'd just taken it in as fact without really grasping the meaning of the words, just like any five-year-old would, though she understood more than some since she'd been reading at four and generally pretty smart.

Now, however, she really understood the concept a lot more. It wasn't just in talking with D.J. and seeing how she helped Stephanie and Michelle, and how that had helped D.J. to not fret so much. It wasn't even in the church part. Sure, she knew the basics – that it was heart knowledge, not just head knowledge that was required for one to be saved, and that relationship began by simply calling on Jesus to forgive one for their sisn and save them from the penalty for them, believing Jesus had taken their punishment when he died and rose again. Oh, she had that personal relationship, but the family wasn't overly churchgoing or anything. She just knew she'd trusted Jesus to save her and was growing as best she could.

No, what it really meant was that – in caring for Samantha so much – she'd grown to focus more on caring for her than on worrying about the possibility of losing someone like she'd lost their mom. As she thought about it, Stephanie wondered if perhaps that was part of what made her so determined in that relationship – the notion that it didn't matter what happened, she was going to make sure Samantha grew into a wonderful young lady who could accomplish anything she wanted. Including being a prima ballerina someday if she so choose.

However, it didn't matter why Stephanie was so determined. What mattered was simply that she, Stephanie Tanner, was a part of something wonderful. She still missed Pam. But, as Michelle awakened, looked over, and skipped over to join the group hug, Stephanie was even more certain of something else.

"We miss Mom sometimes," Stephanie told them. "But, I know she'd be proud of you, just like she is of me. Especially you, Samantha," the young teen said lovingly. "You may not have gotten to meet her. But, I try to be the best I can be. Because I want you to know the same love I knew. And, no matter what, that love will always be there."

A/N: As usual, I won't totally announce my retirement, but as you can tell from my profile I've really showed down with all my other stuff, including future Print On Demand books hopefully. Watch Amazon, lulu, etc as noted. I wanted to get one last one in with at least a mention of Jimmy Gibbler's existence in the "Full House" universe (specifically the book Unvierse) and of course mention about Stephanie's trouble with relationships and how that comment from D.J. on how it might stem from pam's death might or might not imply a connection to the "Full House" world earlier – though of course Book Unviese, as shown, would be quite different. And, of course, I encourage people to read my other stuff and the Sam Series I helped with. And, of course, to check out the ministry stuff I do, too, with Godlife dot com. Thanks for reading, and remember, you're only a single, sincere prayer of repentance to Jesus away from eternal life. God bless


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